How to Take Control of Your Holidays and Make Them Loving Again

As you approach the holiday season, do you notice over the years your expectations have changed?  Did you have a fantasy of what the holidays are supposed to be like?  Most of us did as we were raised on TV and Disney.  This leaves us feeling despondent and down when our expectations aren’t met.  While you anticipate joyful, loving connection with friends and family this ideal picture of holiday cheer isn’t usually what happens.

A few years ago I finally had to admit to myself that although I long for genuine connection with my family, I realized they didn’t see the adult me.   My family still tried to relate to a version of me they remembered.  They couldn’t see who I am today!  The connection they wanted didn’t feel authentic.

Are you one of these people?

You long to be accepted, loved and recognized for who you are today in all your relationships.  You contract when you are around individuals who prefer to relate to THEIR version of who you.  Or you might try to deliver up what they expect and then when you “fail” to meet their expectation you feel isolated, disappointed and lonely.  You contract and withdraw your True-Self expression because you don’t feel safe.  You resent having to defend your life decisions. This internal turmoil can erupt into an argument.

With a little True-Self awareness, you can experience a fulfilling holiday season. 

Let’s cover some of my tips on how to maintain alignment with your True-Self (your essential nature, your higher self, your seat of integrity) while spending time comfortably and joyfully with loved ones.  A curious thing happens when we relate from our True Self, we stay grounded and centered and that in itself creates a loving environment where everyone gets their need for connection and nurturing met.

First, let’s discuss the following:

  1. Why do we regress to childhood roles when around family?
  2. Why do others’ emotions create a disconnect from our True-Self?
  3. And most importantly, how can we stay aligned with our True-Self purpose, while respecting others opinions and life views?

In other words, how can we love ourselves while loving others?

1. Why do we regress to childhood roles when around family?

First off, I believe you revert to feeling like a child around the family in an attempt to reconnect with the True-Self of your childhood. You instinctively long to return to that wonderful feeling of early childhood, when your authentic expression was allowed.   Unfortunately,  if you are like most of us you were trained out of your natural expression.  If operating from your True-Self meant you failed to meet your family’s expectations this creates a fear of loss of love and acceptance.  To maintain a loving connection you likely to create an acceptable act, that family liked. We can even do this in uncomfortable situations outside the family to avoid conflict.  When we relate from that persona (or False-Self), it can bury some of our True-Self expression

When we leave the family fold, we may (if we’re fortunate) begin to find our way back to our True-Self.  We do this by exploring life’s opportunities and being with those who love us just for who we are inside.

When we go home for the holidays even though we have grown and changed, often family members prefer to interact with our childhood persona.  It is hard not to give way to that unconscious pressure to be as they want us to be.  It takes valor to be who we truly are inside. In fact, I believe it’s one of our most courageous acts.

2. Why do others’ emotions create a disconnect from our True-Self?

As human beings, we are driven by our emotions, and long for connections with others who “get” us.  If we don’t have those connections, we adapt to feel safe and secure. When our primary relationships don’t reflect our True-Self, we can lose our passion, enthusiasm, and mojo. This can lead to procrastination or avoidance of our fullest life.  When we are disconnected from our True-Self is is hard to know what we want let alone live a life of passion and purpose.

If you are particularly sensitive to others’ energy, you may notice you can be pulled into their depression, anger, or other emotional turmoil. Also, if they have an unspoken agenda for you, you will feel it. You may notice yourself becoming confused, nervous, uneasy, and unable to relax around certain people. You constantly feel on guard, ever watchful of what you say or do to prevent unwanted scrutiny.

Because no one can live comfortably from their True-Self with this level of critical examination, the pressure must be released, which can be accomplished in one of two ways:

  1. You Go Along to Get Along
    You decide to go along with the situation to create harmony. On purpose, you choose to also ignore the ‘elephant in the living room’ (that issue that is glaringly apparent, but no one wants to talk about). This “go along to get along” approach generates fatigue, lack of confidence.  Over time it can cause a drop in income earning potential as your confidence drops. Most importantly, you lose your zest for living, which is the key sign that you are departed from your True-Self.


  1. You Argue Your Position
    You try to fight it out by confronting the individual. Either passively or aggressively, you continually try to ferret out the truth. However, if they refuse to admit that an elephant even exists, you are left with an implication that you are the one imagining things. If you believe their version, it creates a rift with your True-Self, and even, in a sense, with reality itself.

Obviously, either of the above “solutions”  can be dangerous to your ongoing emotional well-being, life satisfaction and relationships.

How do we stay aligned with our purpose (True-Self), while allowing others to maintain their own opinions and personal views?

In fact, the only way to resist these influences is to be in close communication with your True-Self. Listen to the subtle messages of your True-Self and most importantly trust what True-Self is telling you.  When you can do this, you speak from that core of conviction and no one can throw you off track.  True-Self comes from a place of absolute love. It is unshakable, and it commands respect. It allows others to hold their views, while gently but firmly remaining impervious to attack.

Protect Your True-Self Vital Life Force

Here are three practical ways to protect your energy, your emotional state, and remain aligned with your True Self when you are interacting with those who prefer “old roles” or will be facing a potentially difficult emotional situation:

  1. White Light Protection
    Spread your arms wide. Imagine that you are immersed in a column of very real white light, extending from about a foot above your head down to the ground. Then, think of a beautiful, loving experience in which you felt totally accepted for who you were, without having to do a thing. Fill your column of white light with the deep feeling of this love.
  1. Keep Your Private Life to Yourself
    When around people who like to contradict you or are just plain negative don’t talk about subjects which are important to you. Keep your private views away from anyone who doesn’t really “get” you at your core. They won’t share your goals, and their fears can fan your own.
  1. Stay Uplifted
    Be at ‘Full’ in the fuel gauge of your life. When you are living fully from your True-Self, you are emotionally buoyant and can resist outside emotional influences. Loving yourself and loving your life pushes fears away, and you can sidestep others’ toxic psychic energy.

Remember, you always have the authority to decide on the manner in which you choose to interact with others. You determine your associations and the level of intimacy you want to establish with the people in your life. For your long-term emotional health, make sure that both your close personal relationships and your serious professional relationships allow (or, better yet, encourage) you to remain aligned with your True-Self.